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User talk:Legow7
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The forest of forgotten dreams page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Sloshedtrain (talk) 00:22, June 6, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:48, November 10, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:12, August 28, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story: I'd suggest looking at the old appeal as a majority of the issues I pointed out almost two years ago are still there. There are actually quite a few issues here that were present in both your previous stories so I strongly suggest spending a lot of time on reviewing, proof-reading, and re-writing for your next story. There are numerous capitalization errors. "Ask any of my friends, they all seem to say the same thing about me, that i need to tell everyone everything about me.", "This town was in cape may county", "Half way up i heard from the log behind me", "Dude, thats so cool, pass me my iPhone Bro.", etc. Remember that proper nouns (places, brands, names, 'I'm, etc.) need to be properly capitalized. Punctuation errors: "Dude, that(apostrophe missing)s so cool, pass me my iPhone Bro.", "I look up away from the monster and saw the attendant(,) he was coming to get me, but he was farther from me than the monster was.", "We finally reached the top when we hard a voice from the monster, it was shrill and hard to understand but it sounded like help me, help me repeated over and over again." (dialogue should be in either quotations or single quotations if paraphrasing to differentiate it from the story). Wording issues. "I am writing this because I felt (feel, you are in the process of telling the audiences this story so your tense should reflect that before you segue into the past tense for the bulk of the story) that other people need to know about my experience." Spelling errors: "On one of the rides, a long (sic) flume, you go under one of the piers after a drop before going up a lift hill to go on a second one.", "However, my sister being a senior in high school, was going to tour collages (sic) so she had to leave two days early.", "Then when my eyes adjusted, I realized it was like a person, but without legs bellow the knees.", etc. There are quite a lot of typos here. Additionally there are issues with plot. The story feels very rushed. You just introduce the monster and it really doesn't have much impact as there's no build-up. You additionally have a lot of extraneous information that has no bearing on the story. The fact the protagonist's sister has left the vacation early to look at colleges and he's in the hotel alone has no effect on the story. The monster doesn't appear at the hotel and the fact the protagonist is rooming by himself doesn't influence the story at all. Then there's the opening: "Ask any of my friends, they all seem to say the same thing about me, that i need to tell everyone everything about me. Now, to put my egotism aside for a moment" How does the fact that the protagonist is self-centered really impact the story and why is it told to the audience rather than being shown? Plot holes: "They sent attendants to get everyone off the ride safely." If the monster is attacking people on the ride, how come no one else has encountered it and how are people being evacuated one log at a time without it being discovered or attacking other people? Additionally if the protagonist feels threatened by the monster, why is he waiting around for rescue when it's later revealed he could have run off/escaped ("By this time the attendant had reached me and we were running up the lift hill"). If there are dozens of people witnessing/recording the event, why are there no photos or news reports to corroborate the story? Introducing information like that and not using it in the story weakens the plot considerably ("their phones, which were video taping the entire thing"). Story issues cont.: There isn't a whole lot of explanation or things for the audience to imply. "I saw a faded tattoo on its forehead, "No.2."" What purpose does the tattoo have, why can it talk, why is it asking for help when moments earlier it was trying to kill the people on the ride? The fact that none of these questions really can be answered (or their answer can be implied) really detract from the story. Additionally this makes the ending incredibly anticlimactic. "Everyone went over to the newly formed hole to see its body, but were shocked to find nothing there. However, there were tracks that were two straight lines in the sand." The monster just appears in one scene and then flees. There's no real backstory or attempt at explaining why it's in the park in the first place. There are quite a few of other issues here, but it's late and I have to be up in a few hours so I need to wrap this up. Those were some of the issues and I will finish with this. There are a lot more problems present in your story than just the mechanical errors. People can easily correct mechanical errors if the story is good, but when the plot is flawed/rushed/non-descriptive/vague/etc., it's generally going to be deleted as those are issues that can't be corrected by anyone. Looking at your story, I know that if you intend to make an appeal, this is going to take drastic revisions (perhaps even a complete re-write and fleshing out of the story's premise). EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:52, August 28, 2016 (UTC) Re: It would still be deleted as the story issues I mentioned would still be present. I'll refer you to my message above: "There are a lot more problems present in your story than just the mechanical errors. People can easily correct mechanical errors if the story is good, but when the plot is flawed/rushed/non-descriptive/vague/etc., it's generally going to be deleted as those are issues that can't be corrected by anyone." Having good writing skills is good for a story, but having a well-told story is essential. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:25, August 29, 2016 (UTC)